Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
