Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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