I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
