i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
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I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
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LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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