also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You've changed since you got that strap on
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
