I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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