I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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