So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
