On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
