I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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