I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
