so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
