i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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