i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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