So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
