your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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