she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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