A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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