the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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