i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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