I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
