got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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