I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
