Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
