break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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