just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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