its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
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I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
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Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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