Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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