Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
