she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
