upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
