She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Randomize
