You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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