happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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