??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
