its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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