I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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