Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
