My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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