its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I have already put on my inside pants.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
