What a fucking waste of an outfit
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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