I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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