Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
