I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
