Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
