My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
