Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
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With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
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I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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