I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
