No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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