Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize