winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
