well I can't set my house on fire every night
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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