tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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