The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Everclear isn't food dammit
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
