Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
