Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
