You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
