Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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