Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
