Only a mothe r could love this liver
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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